Online Date Site Punters Not Really As Picky As They Say They Are

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People come to online dating with high expectations for an ideal partner who checks all their romantic boxes — but a new study, published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, shows that online daters often choose partners who don’t match their stated preferences at all.

“We looked at whether or not people actually contact people who match what they say is their ideal partner in their profile, and our findings show they don’t. Stating a preference for what you are looking for appears to have little to no bearing on the characteristics of people you actually contact,” said lead researcher Stephen Whyte of Australia’s Queensland University of Technology.

Whyte and his colleagues crunched data from more than 41,000 Australians between the ages of 18 and 80 who used the dating site RSVP. The researchers looked specifically at more than 219,000 instances when one online dater reached out to another and analyzed how the recipient’s characteristics — from hair color to religious views — matched up with what the initiator said they wanted. The study found that over 65 percent of the messages were sent to people who met only one — or none — of their stated preferences. Men, compared to women, picked people who shared fewer characteristics with their ideal partner.


“How people go about finding a partner is changing dramatically thanks to the internet. Where once we were limited to settings such as school, work, social gatherings or local night spots, there is a much wider choice at hand online,” said Whyte. But as the researchers discovered, that much wider choice doesn’t mean that people are holding out for Mr. or Ms. Perfect, at least not when it comes to initiating contact on a dating site. Instead, as the press release puts it, “people may actually prefer to settle on an acceptable threshold of qualities or characteristics in a potential mate, rather than hold out.”

Ah, yes, that politically loaded term settlingSome have argued that it’s exactly what people — excuse me, women — should do, while others have strongly cautioned against it. While this research seems to suggest that people are settling when it comes to online dating, it sounds like something more positive is going on here. People are — very reasonably, it seems — open to talking to potential romantic partners who don’t appear to check all their boxes.

This news might mean less pressure to live up to a vision of the perfect partner — because online daters just aren’t taking those ideals too seriously. As Whyte puts it, “I think it’s really encouraging findings for people searching for that special someone online.”

Henry Sapiecha


Victims of the Ashley Madison hack reveal the traumatic impact on their relationships

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A YEAR on from one of the world’s most devastating cyber crimes, the victims have told how the scandal changed their lives.

Hackers last year released the personal details of 35 million members of adulterous dating site Ashley Madison.

Divorce, shame and even suicide was the result of Impact’s cyber attack. At least two deaths were linked to the leak, after police in Canada reported the victims had taken their own lives.

And now documentary makers in the UK have met the victims of the exposure, both site customers and their spurned partners, The Sun report.

At the time, millions of people were actively using Ashley Madison to embark on discreet affairs with a low risk of their partner or spouse finding out

Former Ashley Madison CEO Noel Biderman image

Former Ashley Madison CEO Noel Biderman. Picture: Supplied

Tamsin Smythe, from Virginia, was one of those affected by the leak.

She is unmarried, but has always shunned traditional relationships in favour of affairs and “quick hook-ups” — and says she met politicians, company CEOs and managers online.

Smythe told the Channel 4’s Sex, Lies, and Cyber Attacks: “Initially men are very hesitant to make the first move. When we start talking they want to find out, ‘Are you real? Do you really live in the United States?’

“Then once you start talking inevitably men have this sensational desire to send you d**k pictures. Sometimes it’s even the first picture — you don’t even know what their face looks like.”

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Hackers gave Avid Media 30 days to close down sites Ashley Madison and Established Men, where rich men seek beautiful women, under the threat of releasing the information.

CEO Noel Biderman refused, and 35 million details were released. He has since stepped down from his post.

Tamsin Smythe met politicians, company CEOs and managers online. Picture Channel 4 image

Tamsin Smythe met politicians, company CEOs and managers online. Picture: Channel 4

Smythe said of that fateful day: “I was in a meeting room and all of a sudden my phone is dancing across the table.

“I’m trying to concentrate and I’m looking over and I’m seeing the names of business associates, business clients, friends of mine, people I had met on Ashley Madison contacting me and my heart sank. I had met and talked to quite a few of the gentleman — their wives were decimated and hurt and they wanted to talk.”

The program also exposes the lengths site creators went to, to make more cash.

Male users had to buy credits to speak to female members, and 837 “fembots” were circling the site, writing to gullible men.

Exposed user Christopher Russell said: “They made it sound like this playland of people hooking up and there’s millions of women here and they’re all interested in you.

“I had contact with probably around 200 profiles and out of those I believe I spoke to one actual person.”

Exposed user Christopher Russell reckons he spoke to just one real user on Ashley Madison image

Exposed user Christopher Russell reckons he spoke to just one real user on Ashley Madison. Picture: Channel 4

Back in 2012, an anonymous victim known as “Jim”, from Idaho, discovered his wife and mother of his five kids was using Ashley Madison — and had had six affairs. They are now divorced.

“I threw up. It’s stuff you can never un-know, never un-see. There was a video someone sent me and it was her having sex,” he said.

“I have kids. I did not want to raise them up with a broken home. I felt like it was my fault. I felt responsible.

“I just tried talking to her and explaining, ‘You know I love you. We have five kids, let’s not destroy this family’. It took a long time before I stopped getting nauseous. I had to physically withdraw from Ashley Madison until the hack. That was a good day.”


Henry Sapiecha

18 Signs You have Found Your Life Soulmate

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Spiritually speaking, it is said that even before you were born, the name of your spiritual half has been determined. Each soul has a perfect soulmate match.

Although most people think of a soulmate as a perfect harmonious union of bliss, your true spiritual soulmate is the person who is intended to help you complete yourself.

Jerry McGuirewas right soul mates complete each other. A person is unable to complete his mission in life alone. Everyone needs someone to help them become a better person. This is not always a blissful experience.

Being in an honest, sincere, and committed soulmate relationship helps you to become a better version of yourself. You have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, beyond your limits to find your better self.

Even though we tend to think of soul mates as a symbiotic union; soulmate relationships can be rough at the beginning. They can be like two jagged edged puzzle pieces trying to click into place. Sometimes it looks like you do not fit together at all, but soon after a little bit of twisting, turning, and flipping the pieces around, you feel the moment of the perfect click. Its a feeling deep in your soul, that says, this is the right one.

Often soulmates appear in disguise. You might not be physically attracted to each other when you first meet, but there is a mysterious force pushing you forward that tells you this is the right one for you.

You have a personal checklist of everything you want in a partner. Tall- check. Dark hair (no curls please)-check. Blondes only-check. 6 pack abs- check. Or you can be like Jerry Seinfeldwho knows his date is not the one because she eats her peas one at a time.

So, if you are brave enough to move away from your romance checklist, open your eyes and your heart to unexpected possibilities, you might just be one of the lucky ones who finds their true soul match.

You know you have found your soulmate when:

1. You just know it.

Something deep inside tells you this is the perfect one for you. Its as if there is a spiritual force pushing you to let go of everything you previously expected and to give of yourself completely.

2. You have crossed paths before.

Soulmates have met each other and a previous time. You may not have connected, but you were in the same place, at the same time. Before my husband and I met, we lived across the street from each other and worked across the street from each other. Yet we never met until the time was right.

3. Your souls meet at the right time.

Each person has to be ready to receive the soul connection. Even though my husband and I were in close proximity of each other for many years, we did not meet until the time was right for both of us. You have to be prepared to meet your soulmate. It could be that you have to go through a relationship that doesn’t work out, or that you’re not ready to ditch your perfect person checklist, but when it comes to soulmates- timing is everything.


4. Your quiet space is a peaceful place.

Being quiet together is comforting like a fluffy down blanket on a cold winter night. Whether you are reading in the same room, or driving in the car, theres a quiet peace between you.

5. You can hear the other persons silent thoughts.

With soulmates, there is such depth to your relationship that you can feel and hear what your partner is thinking, even if it is not verbally expressed.

6. You feel each others pain.

You stand in each others shoes. You know each other so well, that the second he walks in the door, you can tell how his day was. You feel each others feelings: sadness, worry, and stress. And you share each others happiness and joy.

7. You know each others flaws and the benefits in them.

Yes, its true. Our flaws have benefits. Every trait has a positive as well as a negative side. Its the task of each person to always look for the good, even when things don’t look so good. There is usually a benefit to each flaw. Stubborn people are good decision makers. Overly organized people are great at paying bills on time.


8. You share the same life goals.

You’re both on the same page with values, ethics, and goals. You may have a different way of reaching those goals, but you both want the same end result.

9. You’re not afraid of having a conversation.

Conversations can be challenging. Expressing concerns or attempting to make decisions is uncomfortable. Soulmates know that if they join together, they will be able to work it out.

10. You are not threatened by the need for alone time.

Whether its tennis three times a week or girls night out, you respect each others need for independence, knowing that when you get together, your time alone is special.

11. You don’t experience jealousy.

Pretty girls at the office or handsome personal trainers arent a threat to your relationship.You are secure knowing that you are the only one.

12. You respect each others differences and opinions.

You know you have different opinions. Often soulmates are polar opposite. At times this is challenging. These are the times when you are being forced to let the other person complete you. You still have your own opinion, but instead of agreeing to disagree, there is a deep level of respect for each other. You listen and honor the differences.

13. You don’t scream, curse, or threaten each other with divorce.

Of course you feel the anger. People unintentionally hurt each other. But soulmates arent nasty, hurtful, or punitive.

14. You give in because you want to make your partner happy.

Giving can often occur in unhealthy, co-dependent, or abusive relationships. But soulmates give to each other for the sole purpose of making each other happy.


15. You know how to apologize.

Its not easy to say Im sorry or admit that you did something that hurt the person you love. Soulmates realize that their actions or words cause harm. Even if they feel justified in their point of view, if their partner was hurt by it, they can easily apologize for the harm they have caused.

16. You would marry each other again.

You know this is the one and only one for you. Even through the tough times, you would choose your partner again. You feel a sense of pride in your partner.

17. You complete each other.

Yes, I’m sorry to say it but, your partner fills in your blanks. No person is perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Soulmates complete each other. Its the yin and yang of perfect harmony. One person may be the extrovert, while one is the introvert. One may be social, while the other a homebody. Soulmates are often opposite that are attracted to a person who has their missing pieces.

18.Being in each others arms washes away all your stress, worries, and anxiety.

There is no place you would rather be at the end of the day but in each others arms. If you had a rough day filled with disagreements, a fight with your boss or if you missed the train, whatever happened is gone the second you cuddle up together. There is a warmth in your heart, an inner peace you can feel. No words need to be spoken. All that exists is the silent, blissful union of two souls together. Two souls that were meant to be together eternally.


Henry Sapiecha


Many are searching for their big love online. My friend John* (name was changed at his request) is one of them and has already registered with four different dating services. He keeps me posted on his dating experiences there and I have begun to seriously doubt the validity and integrity of these portals. With slogans such as “Guaranteed contacts” and the premise that members will fall in love at second intervals, I believe there’s only one guarantee – there will be considerable costs.

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That’s what we’d all like online dating to be

At the beginning, things will usually look very promising – creating your profile is free and, if you believe the ads, numerous women were already waiting for him. And won’t you believe it, within hours after his registration, various ladies visited his profile and, depending on the service, left smileys, short messages or virtual kisses. The problem was that only paying members were able to respond and get in touch with them. But since his chances were so high and life as a single is so hard he happily opened his wallet.


The search for love can be an expensive undertaking – John had to pay between €120 and €450 for three of his dating services. Naturally, contacts were “guaranteed” and the big love among the millions of members was said to be just one click away. Initially, he was confident and astonished at how many women were interested in him, a seemingly average guy. But after a few days, things got uncomfortably quiet. Ladies either didn’t write back, their profiles vanished or the reply was something like “I’ve found my true love. Good luck with your search.”

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Since John is single not stupid, he did some research. It turned out there were countless similar cases. His worst suspicions were confirmed a few days later when “Lovoo” gained notoriety: The company allegedly used fake profiles to lure visitors into becoming paying members. Using stolen photos, made-up biographies and hordes of female writers (if they were female, that is), love interests were faked to attract customers. And it would never have come out without a whistleblower that handed revealing documents over to the media. So now we have a first prime suspect – and even more suspicions towards other similar services.


If you look up related terms on Google such as the name of a dating service and “scam”, you’ll quickly find that they’ve taken precautions! Multiple sites, obviously created by the affected companies themselves, will tell you that there’s no foul play involved, everything is fair and square. But they handled things a little too professionally. Who’d write glowing reviews about these services and wrap everything in a visually highly professional layout unless they were involved? This is obviously meant to impede any serious investigation into the dark side of these million dollar businesses. In all my years of research, I’ve never encountered this type of behavior!

Reason enough to cancel your subscription? That’s what John thought and he tried to terminate his accounts in due form and time. But the service providers put up as many hurdles as possible, requiring him to send everything by mail (in one case) and to go through grueling cancellation procedures (he had to fill in data that even he as an experienced computer user had trouble finding in his account). And once he got through all of that, there was more trouble ahead in the form of so-called compensation.

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Not a case of big love but a case for the courts

With only a few days of use, he expected to get back most of what he had paid but one provider thought otherwise: He was told that they had held up their end of the deal (he had made contact with women) which is why they’d keep 75% of the money he paid. They had charged him a princely sum each time he clicked on a contact’s page (naturally, this includes the many profiles that vanished rapidly). This case will most likely end up in court quite soon – and John ended up single, again.

So far, so annoying. Frankly, I’m not trying to demonize an entire line of business but we need to be wary of all too big promises and also keep an eye on costs. Treat overly positive or professionally made reviews with suspicion and look beyond the first pages in your search results. And if you’re wondering whether I’m John – I’ve not met my better half through a dating service – but through Facebook. 🙂


What I would like to know: Have you had any experience with dating services? Did John just have bad luck? Feel free to comment (anonymously).


Henry Sapiecha

Introduction to finding love for Australians

The site will be delivering various links & sites for those of us who want to find love in this land of Oz. Be it for marriage or a loving relationship.


This is not a sex site.

If you want adult products go here >>

or info on sexual matters go here >>

It will evolve as time goes on so watch this space…as a work in progress.

In the meantime look at some of our other sites below.

Henry Sapiecha